Sunday Reflections - The End of Something Amazing or the Chance to keep Growing?

It has been 14 months.

Fourteen awesome months since I have had my baby. Fourteen months that I haven't had to "work". Oh, I guess I've been working here and there. Three kids plus no processed food equals work. But not doing accounting. Fourteen months of not having to be in a suit at a specified location at a certain time....without drool or baby food on my shirt. 

I just have days left now before my our life completely changes again and I go back to work. 

I am full of emotion. Sad to leave my kids. Freaking out about losing control of their eating - this is a way bigger deal to me than it probably should be and I know they are in good hands.  Excited to get back into a routine. Nervous for them as they get new teachers/friends/caregivers. Excited for all the new experiences they will have. Grateful for the wonderful year we had.

Scared SHIT-LESS that all the hard work I have done on my health this year will instantly fall apart as soon as I start punching a clock. 

How do I stop that from happening? How do I continue to put my health first when I have a very challenging and demanding job that requires tons of mental energy. A job that likes to spill into every aspect of my time and mind?  Can it be done? Can I have it all? The better question is do I really need it all, and if no, what can go? Can I stay healthy and fit and happy while having a career. Can I still be a good Mom? Or at least as good as I am now which isn't always stellar I know (damn Candida). What will happen with my adrenal fatigue? Will it come back? Will forcing baby to wean actually solve some of my health problems? Will having the kids at school/daycare full time while I work part time actually give us more freedom? Will my shoulder tension come back instantly? 

Lots of questions. Lots of unknown's. 

I have changed this year. Not just my diet has changed. Our whole life has changed in a way. But did I really change? Did I change enough not to fall back into some of my old, very unhealthy, behaviors. Like eating things I know don't agree with me, even if they are "healthy", or because I don't have time to eat clean. Like not working out even though it makes me so happy. Like not knowing how to let go of work when I walk out the doors. Like checking my blackberry fanatically even at times when I don't have the ability to do anything about it if an issue/situation were to come up. Like not watching, listening, being with my kids even when I am right in front of them because my mind is still at work. Like sometimes doing things for all the wrong reasons.

I had the will to give up chocolate and sugar and fruit and ___(fill in the blank as it changed several times). I had the will to keep working out even when baby was up 4 or more times a night and my iron was so low I could barely stand up. I had the will to take 20 some supplements everyday. 

But do I have the will to put myself first when I'm working. To choose a workout over spending time with my kids or answering emails or whatever other million demands there will be on my time. To pack my lunch and snacks and more snacks (because I'm still hungry all the time) everyday and not cheat when I don't have a kitchen and stocked pantry to rely on. To keep eating clean all the time - not because I want to prove to everyone that I can but because I know that's the only way my digestive system works properly To be in the moment when I am with the kids. To actually play with them. To hear them when they tell me about their day. To enjoy my time with them. 

I don't have the answers. But I know that this year has been awesome. A transformation of my health. A re-aligning of my priorities. I haven't solved all of my health problems - damn Candida. But I sleep now - like I have never slept in my life. My adrenal fatigue is gone. My chronic shoulder and neck pain is pretty much gone. I went a good part of the year with NO STOMACH ACHES.  

This is going to be a challenge. But it is also an opportunity. An opportunity to see how much I have really grown. To challenge myself to make better decisions. Not to challenge myself to do more but to do the right things. To change how I look at things and deal with things. Especially the stress I create for myself by setting my own expectations too high. 

And prove that I have the wisdom to know when something is not working, when something is not worth it or when I am doing something for entirely the wrong reasons. Reasons that have nothing to do with necessity and everything to do with me trying to keep up an image or meet an expectation that is not in line with my values.

The wisdom to kNOw when to say NO.

I could go on and on and on. I had planned to write myself a big letter. Something I could go back to and remind myself how good I felt. How great it was to wake up feeling rested, with no shoulder pain or stomach aches. How committed I was to fixing my stomach so I don't end up on the slippery slope to autoimmune disease.

But I have this blog. So I will just come here and remind myself of where I was at before I went back to work.

And I am giving myself permission to try and keep blogging the best I can, but not to freak out if I miss a post or a week of posts. I hope you don't mind. I don't want to stop because journalling has been a huge part of my health journey and has been so therapeutic. And fun. But it will be one of the things that might have to go here and there. And that's okay. I plan to still be here Tuesday, Friday and Sunday..............but maybe not every-week. We will see how it goes.

So I didn't write a letter, I just made myself a picture to come back to. A picture is worth 1000 words right.

If I'm still as fit as I am now that means I'm still fueling my body with clean food, I'm following my sleep rules so I have the energy to work out and I'm taking time for myself to do something I love. A good litmus test of how my transition back to work is going and whether I am still committed to putting my health first....................

This is what I can do - August 2013.  I'm working on my handstand push ups and I'm actually making progress. I'm lifting 12.5 pound weighs easily. I can do 10 pistol squats on each leg consecutively. I can do 20 full push up burpees with tuck jumps no problem. I feel fit. I feel strong. I love it. If you (that's me) can't do this anymore why is that? Is your shoulder crumbling under the stress you take with you everywhere and haven't learned to let go? Are you tired because you aren't eating properly, taking your supplements or getting proper sleep? Do you think you don't have time? Stop and question where you are using your time, what you are putting in your mouth and what you are saying YES to. Take action to make a change - no one else will do it for you and it won't happen on its own. Its up to you Mama! Do it for yourself. Do it for your kids. Do it for hubby. Just do it.